Terrified

Hi,
My name is Kim
I am a nursing student
I love my church
I love my friends
I love my city
I love my job
I love travelling
I love new things
I hate my body

I'm not sure what has compelled me to start a weight loss blog I find a lot of strength in writing and community. I'm not going to publicize the fact that I have this blog and if you find it then it means you may be in the same boat as me.

I'm terrified

My weight is something I avoid talking about, its something I joke about because laughing it off is easier then admitting the truth:

I'm Overweight 


There is no if, ands, or buts about it - I don't need to lose a few pounds to fit into that one outfit - I need to lose a significant amount in order to be a healthier individual. It terrifies me because I can see it happening, I can see the pounds just adding on and the most frustrating thing is that it is all a product of me shoving food in my face.

I can't blame anyone else
I can't blame society
I can't blame my family
I can't blame my genes
I can't blame my knee injury

ITS ALL MY FAULT


And that my friends, is a hard pill to swallow. How am I supposed to start a career as a nurse, someone who is to promote health and well being while I am living an un healthy life style?

I am sick and tired of feeling like shit about myself because I look in the mirror and I hate who I see - HATE is a strong word but an appropriate one for how I feel about my body. I am tired of walking into a room and realizing that I am the biggest person in this space, I am tired of avoiding clothes shopping like its a plague, I am tired of untagging myself out of facebook pictures because I cant stand to see myself so why would anyone else, I am tired of crying when those jeans don't fit anymore, I am tired of making excuses, I AM TIRED. I know that this is going to be as much of a physical journey as a mental one, I need to learn to have a new relationship with food - because if I am being completely honest, I am a food addict.

I am addicted to food


I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD 


Sounds dramatic right? It's not, I actually feel a euphoric high after eating something totally awful for me, so this is going to be a process of learning to view food differently, of finding different avenus of dealing with stress and depression, learning to walk or run instead of driving to McDonalds and eating a McChicken, fries and a McFlurry.

BUT


Today I am taking control: as of June 1, 2012 I am taking a hold of my life and I am going to work my ass off (literally) and do the best that I can to achieve my weight loss goal.

Here comes the scary part

I am going to document it - I am going to type my current weight, chart my clothing size - and if I figure out a way to get a picture of myself (I just spent 20 minutes trying to set up my camera on a stack of DVDs)

I'm also afraid of failing, I have tried diets before and have failed and again - I have failed by my own demise. SO I am using this blog as a tool of motivation, as a reminder that you aren't alone if you are struggling along with me as well as a type of accountability to myself.


My plan of action is the following:

1. Weight Watchers - I have heard AMAZING things about this program - if you have done it PLEASE leave me some tips as far as menu planning and what you found helpful - my biggest issue is that it takes a lot of time to figure out your food for the day and ensuring that it is within the points limit.

2. Run - Tomorrow is my first day in using the couch-to-5K app. A friend of mine showed me the app and it seems perfect for me!

Not a big plan of action to start but  it's something.

Here we go:

Date: June 1, 2012
Current Weight: deep breath; 225lbs ... ya.
Total Weight Lost: 0
Pants: Size 14/16 depending on where I shop
Shirts: Size XL or L

(I'm also afraid that this automatically links to my other blog because they are under the same account - well if it's meant to be read by everyone I know then I guess it's going to happen...AAGGHH)

If you have stopped by to read my blog PLEASE comment (I'm begging here). Link me to your blog, leave me some love (I'm seriously humiliated right now).