First Week Down

So, it has been 9 days of this seemingly endless journey.

Two things I have learned:
1. This is not an instantaneous results type of diet (if anyone knows of one let me know)
2. I am NOT a runner

Lets start with the running:
I know it will have been a success when I can run and not focus on the fact that I am running/feel like it's the last thing I will ever do - I'm not that point yet.

The first day I ran was ok I knew what to expect. I expected to be hot, frustrated, out of breath and embarrassed - and that's what I felt/happened. I usually felt like quitting with about 25 seconds left during the running portion - but the sense of relief and joy that I felt when that lovely computerized voice said "cool down" was amazing. And then I realized something, the same high that I used to get from eating shitty food is the same high that I got after completing that first training run. So yes, I was hot, frustrated, out of breath and embarrassed but I felt accomplished and pride!!

THEN

The second run of the first week ...
I hated it - every single second of that run was a disaster - the only thing running through my mind during those thirty minutes were swear words and anger I WAS PISSED! Pissed that I had to run, pissed that I had let myself get to the point where I had to learn how to run, pissed that I had tricked myself into thinking I was athletic...
Oh and then there was the other stuff that made it awful - I only wore one bra so I felt like I was going to have two black eyes at the end of the run, my bra strap kept falling down and my ear bud kept falling out.

Then,
"Cool down" - I did it again! I finished another run! AND my time IMPROVED! Apparently being pissed off at the world makes for good running. During the run portion I felt like quitting with about 14 seconds left in each interval.

With the second day in mind I adequately prepared for the third day of the run;
I wore two bras, I didn't wear my knee brace as it causes my calf muscle to cramp because of where it's placed, I bought different head phones, I mentally prepared myself for the workout and I stretched! It went amazing, there were brief moments where I didn't even think about the fact that I was running and I was able to run through the whole interval!! I felt AMAZING

Week 2 starts tomorrow with increased running intervals ... we will see how it goes.

Now the food
The eating has been going pretty well I am learning to adjust my foods based on my cravings, my biggest revelation this week is that sipping on water with lemon slices kicks a craving for sweet food, and eating something that is crunchy and salty cuts the craving for the chip type snacks. I can already see my thought process around food changing and I am no longer mindlessly shoving food into my mouth, I am thinking about what I am eating and how it is either going to benefit or be a disadvantage to this journey. I started actually counting my points today and seemed to have find a system that is manageable and dosen't take up too much time! I will post more about it later this blog is long enough already!

1 week down
3 weeks till weigh day
:S

Terrified

Hi,
My name is Kim
I am a nursing student
I love my church
I love my friends
I love my city
I love my job
I love travelling
I love new things
I hate my body

I'm not sure what has compelled me to start a weight loss blog I find a lot of strength in writing and community. I'm not going to publicize the fact that I have this blog and if you find it then it means you may be in the same boat as me.

I'm terrified

My weight is something I avoid talking about, its something I joke about because laughing it off is easier then admitting the truth:

I'm Overweight 


There is no if, ands, or buts about it - I don't need to lose a few pounds to fit into that one outfit - I need to lose a significant amount in order to be a healthier individual. It terrifies me because I can see it happening, I can see the pounds just adding on and the most frustrating thing is that it is all a product of me shoving food in my face.

I can't blame anyone else
I can't blame society
I can't blame my family
I can't blame my genes
I can't blame my knee injury

ITS ALL MY FAULT


And that my friends, is a hard pill to swallow. How am I supposed to start a career as a nurse, someone who is to promote health and well being while I am living an un healthy life style?

I am sick and tired of feeling like shit about myself because I look in the mirror and I hate who I see - HATE is a strong word but an appropriate one for how I feel about my body. I am tired of walking into a room and realizing that I am the biggest person in this space, I am tired of avoiding clothes shopping like its a plague, I am tired of untagging myself out of facebook pictures because I cant stand to see myself so why would anyone else, I am tired of crying when those jeans don't fit anymore, I am tired of making excuses, I AM TIRED. I know that this is going to be as much of a physical journey as a mental one, I need to learn to have a new relationship with food - because if I am being completely honest, I am a food addict.

I am addicted to food


I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD 


Sounds dramatic right? It's not, I actually feel a euphoric high after eating something totally awful for me, so this is going to be a process of learning to view food differently, of finding different avenus of dealing with stress and depression, learning to walk or run instead of driving to McDonalds and eating a McChicken, fries and a McFlurry.

BUT


Today I am taking control: as of June 1, 2012 I am taking a hold of my life and I am going to work my ass off (literally) and do the best that I can to achieve my weight loss goal.

Here comes the scary part

I am going to document it - I am going to type my current weight, chart my clothing size - and if I figure out a way to get a picture of myself (I just spent 20 minutes trying to set up my camera on a stack of DVDs)

I'm also afraid of failing, I have tried diets before and have failed and again - I have failed by my own demise. SO I am using this blog as a tool of motivation, as a reminder that you aren't alone if you are struggling along with me as well as a type of accountability to myself.


My plan of action is the following:

1. Weight Watchers - I have heard AMAZING things about this program - if you have done it PLEASE leave me some tips as far as menu planning and what you found helpful - my biggest issue is that it takes a lot of time to figure out your food for the day and ensuring that it is within the points limit.

2. Run - Tomorrow is my first day in using the couch-to-5K app. A friend of mine showed me the app and it seems perfect for me!

Not a big plan of action to start but  it's something.

Here we go:

Date: June 1, 2012
Current Weight: deep breath; 225lbs ... ya.
Total Weight Lost: 0
Pants: Size 14/16 depending on where I shop
Shirts: Size XL or L

(I'm also afraid that this automatically links to my other blog because they are under the same account - well if it's meant to be read by everyone I know then I guess it's going to happen...AAGGHH)

If you have stopped by to read my blog PLEASE comment (I'm begging here). Link me to your blog, leave me some love (I'm seriously humiliated right now).